No Shame
Hi, my name is Scott, and I am an analytic…
I am also an introvert, and a perfectionist. And while none of these characteristics are completely negative in and of themselves, when they work together for long periods of time, it can sometimes go badly.
I used to drive an 18-wheeler, overnight, in the oilfields of west Texas. Most of my waking hours were spent in the cab of that truck, out in the middle of nowhere, not seeing another person for hours on end. As an introvert, it was a kind of oasis for me a lot of the time. As I look back on my relationship with Christ through the years, I also realize that I had some of my most intimate times with God sitting behind the wheel of that truck. It gave me a lot of time (12+ hours a day) to engage with the Holy Spirit in prayer and private worship. At the same time, as anyone who has spent time in the presence of God knows, when He shows up in such powerful ways, your sins and shortcomings are also, always exposed.
Being an analytic, I overthink everything. So what would happen in those moments is that as I engaged with God, I would often have an amazing time of worship and prayer, and then God would lovingly expose the negative things in my life, to correct me and lead me in His perfect plan for my life. (This is good, and necessary for the Christian life. This season was a great time of sanctification in my Christian journey!) I would finish the workday on fire! It wouldn’t simply stop there, however. I would go home, shower, go to bed, and then usually wake up the next day still feeling the conviction about those things. And this is where things could get problematic.
As the new day would roll along, still analyzing what God was revealing to me the night before, one of two things could happen. Either I would continue to engage with God in worship and ask Him to continue to root out the things I need to deal with, or it would go negative, and I would begin to dwell on the failures that God exposed in me, with self-loathing.
In addition to being an introvert and an analytic, I also have those perfectionist tendencies. So being the over-thinker that I am, and having a high level of expectations for myself, I would usually find myself in this second position. In God’s amazing grace, He would lovingly expose my flaws, but instead of dealing with them in repentance, I would obsess on the failures in myself with shame and disgust. The result? Self-condemnation, depression, and even a feeling of being unworthy of the intimate time God granted me the night before. This positioning would inevitably be followed by ‘avoiding’ God for a while; hiding in my shame like Adam in the Garden of Eden.
When this happens, it is the old orphan spirit rising up inside, forgetting who Daddy is.
The God Who Doesn’t Shame Us.
The great thing about God is that He will not leave us sitting alone in our shame. He is faithful to show up and push us toward a response to His love (repentance); offering forgiveness in Christ. There is no greater feeling for me than when God breaks in on my self-loathing with His love! In the times I am feeling unworthy of God and hiding, it amazes me how He shows up, calling me out.
What every Christian needs to realize about our God is that He loves us. He finds pleasure in His children, even the ones who aren’t the best at following directions. Psalm 149:4-5 tells us, “For the Lord takes pleasure in his people…” Possibly the greatest lesson for every believer to learn is, “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). He doesn’t shame us, He rejoices over us?
To my brothers and sisters in Christ: I just want to offer you a reminder of the love of God today. I don’t know what you are struggling with right now. I don’t know what your emotional state is telling you about God. But I know this. God loves you, and through Christ, He is pleased with you. No matter how you feel right now, look to Him and let Him break in on you. Meet Him intimately wherever you are at. Sing for joy. God is near. He doesn’t come to condemn you or leave you in shame. He wants to spend time with you, showing His love to you, more than you can ever know.
(This post was originally published August 1, 2011. It has been revised and edited for reposting.)
Photo by Kevin Jesus Horacio on Unsplash